Quarter Life Crisis: 2015

Those nights
Sleep runs and hide
All that's left
Thoughts you have been avoiding all your life.

Voices,
what the world expects of you
Parents expecting of you

Maybe ,
Your path is different.
The light at the end of the tunnel
Just an opening ,
To another tunnel.

Why does it seem so hard
To ignore the voices
Live your life.
Why?

What do I want?

Why can't I answer that,
Without wanting to please ,
My loved ones.

Do I even know,
What I want?

It's been changing,
From being a nun
To being a parent.
A grand Parent.

I need to find out
What do I want?

This is me

This is me,
Ignoring my heart.
Listening to my mind.

I am not ,not happy.
I am not lonely,
Neither do I have a heartbreak.

This is me,
Ignoring my Mind,
Following my heart,
Full of fantasies.
Later that night.
Tears,
Many Tears,
For the hurt
For Disappointment
Unrealized Dreams.

I like myself better
When I listen to my mind.

Defenses

It seem Interesting,
That any human
Would be completely vulnerable
To another human.

I mean,
Have you met Humans?

I am only Vulnerable,
To my creator.
For him,
My defenses are down.
Only him.

Be cool

Calm , In-control,Collected
That's who I am.

Till I see you,
Till you walk into the room,
Till you talk to me.

Then,
I am sweaty,Nervous,tongue tied
I don't like myself very much then.
How the hell,
Did I give you so much power over me.
I want it back.

Being Christian

When things go wrong,
You remind me who I am.
I hold my head high,
Thank you for all I have,
That you have given me,
Not out of merit
But your love.

I couldn't thank you enough.
My Lord.

Please Notice Me

Hey,
Look at me.
I wore heels today
please notice me.

Hey,
Look at me,
I pruned my eyebrows too,
Got my legs shaved.
Painted my nails
I Got red on my lips
Please notice me.

Hey,
Look at me,
I did a dress today.
Notice me yet.

Hey,
Look at me.
Tell me you like me too.

Hey ,
Look at me.
I care what you think of me.

Untitled

I wanna be really really good at something,
What could it be?

Till Then

I wish I knew
What you are thinking,
Maybe then
I'd be free enough
To open my heart
Full of words for you.

Till then,
If ever,
I'll keep them to myself.

My Head Hurts

Hurts ,
Trying so hard
Not to think of you.

Hurts,
To ignore you
To keep my distance.

Hurts,
To see you so close
Yet not touch you.

It's the only way
I know
To get over you.

How Did I Get Here

They say
Forget the past
How can you?
When you stare at it everyday.
When you bump into the past
Every weekday,
Every Morning,
Everyday.

Well,
This is depressing.

Say Hi

I saw you
Staring at me.

I saw you,
Watching me.
Thought you'd make a move,
You never came to me .

I should ,
Have said Hi,
Maybe your Number too

Coz Now,
I can't forget your eyes
Yet
I have no way
Of reaching you.

At the least ,
Let you know
I like your eyes.

Does it show

Does it show
You are in my dreams
More than I care to admit
To myself.

Does it show,
I long for your touch,
You to say words,
I wanna hear so badly

Does is show
How hard ,
I am trying
To ignore my heart,
Overpowered by you.

Senseless and Confused,
Constricted and Divided,
My heart or My mind.

Does it show,
How willing
My heart is to love you.
How hard ,
My Mind is fighting against it.

I wonder,
Does it show.

Perfect BoyFriend

Incredible,
How I met you
A chat here, a chat there
You were perfect
You knew what to say
Loved me in my simplest form
I could care less about makeup
You made me feel beautiful
Just the way I was.
I loved every bit of it
Listening to your heart
Lying on your chest

No one held me
As tight as you did
Nor ignited the flames in me
As well as you did
Nor made me feel
Cared for, Special.

You reminded me
Of all I tried so had
To believe doesn't exist
I hate you for it
For I know
You will never be mine.

Coffee

I don't know
How others do it
Take in disappointments
over and over and over again
And still choose
To love again.

I prefer
My Coffee
Very Reliable.

Just Be

I have a longing
To find a place
where I can just be.
where I can find peace.

Just be in silence
listen to myself
enjoy being me
rest for my soul
Escape from the madness
Of this world.

Hard on Myself

Every now and then
I forget ,
There is only so much
In my control.

I compare myself
To every other person
Doubt my capabilities
Build my insecurities

Every now and then
I loose confidence
In myself
I forget
How far I have come.

Every now and then
I forget
To be me.

Today

I took today off
from the worlds expectations of me.
Today I was just me
Living the moment
Entertaining myself
Being me
In the most natural state.

I realized something
I had missed me.

In My Head

Fantacies vs Reality
Reality sucks at times
I'd rather deal
with the truth
Than live
In a fantasy world.

If there was a way
To make my fantasies real
I'd have found it
By now.

I decide
To live
In my reality
Make it the best ever
That it can make someone
Believe
In making their fantacy
A reality

#justthoughtsinmyhead

Screwed Up

I have been closed up too long ,
I feel so lonely sometimes,
when I eventually convince myself,
To open up to someone,
They break me down again.

I thought,
The problem was me,
I still think ,the problem is me.

Everyone who I fall in love with
Leaves me.
I am so tired ,
Of trying to find out
What's wrong with me.
I give up.
I don't wanna fix me anymore.

About time I realize,
Love was not meant,
For me.

Would you?

I know
We don't have such a strong connection
I know that
You don't think of me
The way I do.

My heart
Fell in love with you
With no real reason
Not right ones anyway.

I know
I don't mean as much to you.
Sometimes I wonder
Do you ever
Think of me.
Would you ever
Against all odds
Feel the same way.
Would you?

just a girl pouring her heart out

Tears

Why can't love
Be simple.

Why do I have the need
To be so close
To someone.

How do I kill
That need?

It'll save me from
So much tears.

Heal my heart

Make it love ,
The right people.

Make it forget,
Previous hurts

Can't it just be content,
Without longing for more,
For what it can't have,
For true love.

Let it be happy,
For everyone else,
Let it be happy
With what I have.
Heal my heart.

Funny

Seems so easy,
For you,
To forget me .

I'd have loved,
To be the person ,
You love.

Funny how ,
These exact words,
Someone else ,
Said them to me.

Younger Me

Don't watch those
Romantic movies
That kind of love
Doesn't exist.

Don't go around
Looking for that love
You will never find it
It doesn't exist.

When you meet that someone
Who understands you
Sticks by you
Puts you first
Hang on to him
It's the closest to real love
As you will ever get .

All the rest
Are lustful passions
Which burn out
As fast as they came
Leaving behind
The worst of heartaches.

Dear Younger me
Be wiser
Guide your heart
Don't let it be as broken
With so much despair
With very little,
To hold on to.

Broken Inside

My brave face.
Over time
Is the best disguise
To the Pieces Inside
That make
Who I really am.

I am
Who I have to be
To the world
To my friends

Hiding
My brokenness
Is my daily chore
I can't trust anyone
With my pieces.

It's them
Who left me broken
In the first place.

Every Workday

I pray,
I don't get to see you
It's almost impossible
To get over you
When I have to see your
Lovely Face,
Piercing eyes
Smile that melts my heart.
Every Workday.

Closer To You

I move

No words

When you lack words
To express
The turmoil of emotions
Going on inside you.

When you feel sad
Lonely
And can't explain why

Just coil up in bed
Hide in a corner
You wanna cry
Can't find the tears

Nothing you do
Seems to cheer you up
I hate such days
It's like I am mourning
Something I don't know

The loss of something
I never had

Intentionally

I ruin things
Say words
That can't be taken back

I kill the spark
As soon as it lights up

I ruin connections
Intentionally
I see the end
Before it Begins

I know I can't handle it
When the End
Actually comes.
With every beautiful beginning
Comes a sad ending.

I need help.

Past

It easy at times
To bottle down
Those feelings

Comes a time
When someone opens you up
Every single pain
That you had held back
Comes out
Tearing your heart apart.

When every single thought
Of those memories
Engulfs your heart
You feel your body tremble
You throat dries up
Your eyes weeping
Invincible tears
Only seen
By the heart.

I may look calm,smile
Inside
I am shattered to pieces.

Snap

That intense link
With emotions
Guilt, Regret
With every decision
Just isn't there anymore
I don't feel it

This is scary
Interesting at the same time

I seem to handle rejection
way better
I seem to have
almost a carefree attitude
To things
That would have left me in tears
Should I be worried?

I don't think so
I'll savor this
Milk it down as long as it lasts
Things seem simpler
Less Emotional burden
I feel different
I love this.

Suspended State

So much has happened
In such a short time
I couldn't tell you
What I am feeling right now.

There are so many things
I have to deal with
But I can't face it all at once
I'd go nuts .

For now
I rest in a suspended state
Trying to feel nothing
Trying to think nothing
Trying to keep moving

If I stop
Face it all
I'm afraid
I'll break
Wouldn't know
How to piece myself
Back together.

Mess

Such a mess am I
I find myself in a hole
I dig deeper
and deeper

Instead of finding my way out
I bury myself deeper
And deeper

Till my hands get sore
My pride is overpowered
By my depression
Then I look for help
To find a way out
Of my own misery.

Till then
I keep burying myself.
Deeper and deeper
In the abyss of nothingness.

The answer

What I want?
Someone who gets me
Knows my personality
Shares my future
Sees my bright side
Accepts my wild side
Understands everyone has a dark side

Someone to share my life
Grow old with
Motivate and encourage each other
Admire the different skills within us
Aspire for the greatness of each other
Being each others rocks,
During downfalls
Enjoy the journey of life together

His cute face , adorable smile
Most masculine scent ever
with which so little effort rises waves of passions in me
And
My smile , cute body
Adorable ass and piercing eyes
Are just added advantages
To the bond we already have
Not the main attraction.

That's what I want ,
That's what I've always wanted.
When the word Love ,
Actually makes sense.

#love #life #truelove

I Promised

It's weird
How comfortable i am with you
Maybe it's coz you are honest

I didn't realise
Just how much i liked you
Till the reality
Of never seeing you again hit me

The pain that stung my heart.
The tears I tried to fight
The memories i tried to hide

Just everything about you
Reminded me
What i'd like
Who i'd like to be with.

You were sent to me
To show me whats real
What's an obsession
How I appreciate it
I was loosing myself
In the obsession

Not anymore though

Rejection

I am trying to let things off my chest
It's about time i realize
not all of us are mean't for true love and all that.
I read somewhere "
we define love
by what we experience."

It's safe to say,
What has been so clear so far
is that passionate love
That i used to dream off
Doesn't apply to me.

Nor the kind of soft love
that can exist between two people
who want to share their lives.
I don't have that either

What i do have
Is a list of rejections.
All this time ,I've been blaming myself
Thinking I am the problem
But not anymore
I am a totally awesome person.

I just wasn't meant to share that
Romantic passion with anyone.
I am making peace with that.
I really am.

I'll divert all that energy
That was seeking and looking around
for "Real Love",
To things that will build me up
or help me achieve my dreams
Be a blessing to other people.

Not all of us
Are destined for romance
Not all of us have that One person
We are waiting to find.

I just wanna live my life happy
Doing all the things that are necessary
Having an impact with the world.
I'll share that passion.
That,I know I can do.

#lovelife #rejection

Entitled

How do I put this?
I know left,
I know right.
I don't know the in between.

I can do black or white ,
I don't know what to do with grey.
Just as easily as I write this,
So it's true in my life.

We in the grey area right now,
I wish we weren't,
I can barely be in control,
I never know what to do,
What to say, or
How to flourish
or even turn it around.

I don't know,
How to make it work
In the grey area.
I don't have the skills,
To make you choose left or right.
How do I make you see,
Let you choose,
Decide ,
Pick Us.
Pick a side.
Pick anything,
I just don't know what to do with grey.

#love #life